Sure the flu is a horrible feeling and nobody cares to get a cold, however there’s not a lot that can be done to prevent these ailments. You can wash your hands religiously, but the bugs going to nail you eventually. There are some feelings that we can prevent though. In fact these are five of the worst sensations, and all of them can be prevented.
Ich habe einen Kater as the Germans would say. I can certainly see how having a cat could ruin your day. Problem is a cat is something that doesn’t go away in a day like a hangover. Headaches, dizziness, confusion, depression, shame… These are just a few of the many symptoms that can accompany the result of a night of heavy drinking according to MNT. A typical hangover for me consists of an awful headache, a stuffy nose and feelings of nausea, all of which are accompanied by a feeling of stupidity for letting the drinking get that far out of control. (Usually the result of adding liquor to the mix). I’ve found the best cure for a hangover is to do the following as soon as you wake up.
- Go to the bathroom. Get as much as you can out of your system.
- Drink as big a glass of water as you can stomach.
- While drinking the water, pop a multivitamin to replenish some of what’s been depleted.
- If you’re a male, shave.
- Take a shower.
- Brush your teeth.
This isn’t perfect but it will get you a lot closer to feeling normal than you did.
How To Prevent: Okay, you’re going to see a theme to the preventative measures here. It’s not rocket science. The best solution, don’t drink. Many times that’s just not much fun so make sure you drink sparingly. Drink what you’re used to and in amounts you’re used to. Don’t introduce liquor into the mix once you’ve already got a buzz from beer.
Ladies you’re lucky you can’t experience this one. Caused by an extended period of sexual arousal without relief, blue balls or vasocongestion as men of science apparently refer to this condition as, leaves you feeling like some has kicked you as hard as they can between the legs… repeatedly. This condition is common on first dates because a good girl doesn’t kiss on the lips until the second date. Often the pain is sever enough that the male can have trouble walking or even standing up. Worst of all, once the condition has set in, the only cure is to wait it out. Although relief can be attained through ejaculation, the pain is far too intense to allow anything that would result in said relief to take place.
How To Prevent: This is a tough one. Become a hermit. Don’t look at girls (or boys if that’s what gets you going). I don’t really have the answer. For some ideas on dealing with this problem head on over to Suite or for a more frightening solution check out item four in, Four Things Ladies Should Know About Blue Balls.
Swass, Swamp Ass and Mud Butt
Swass, Swamp Ass and Mud Butt are three equally awful feelings and all a bit related. In my professional opinion (I honestly have no credentials that make me a professional in any of this), these may be the worst item on the list. Let’s break them down.
Swass is the simplest. The condition is exactly what it sounds like. Sweaty ass. The slimy feeling left by the sweat between your cheeks is one of the worst. This one is easy to prevent. Just don’t go for walks on 90 degree, muggy days. Stay inside in the AC. Should you fall victim, a swift wipe with a wad of TP does the trick.
Swamp Ass takes it a step further and introduces a stench. This can also spread to the crochal (is that a word, if not I claim the trademark) region. Needless to say if you find yourself suffering from Swamp Ass, Swamp Crotch or any combination thereof, you need to start taking a shower on a more consistent basis. Prevention is the same as Swass. Just keep yourself out of conditions that will cause you to sweat profusely. The cure? Take a shower your dirty, dirty human! If a shower isn’t something readily available, the TP will also provide temporary relieve in this situation.
This brings us to the worst of them all. Mud Butt. Mud Butt can feel very similar to Swass or Swamp Ass, but introduces fecal matter left in the region. This could be the result of a bad wipe, some kind of anal leakage, or God knows what else. Obviously if you are experience Mud Butt, you need to get cleaned up NOW. Drop everything you’re doing and find the nearest bidet, shower, or random watering hole and clean your ass up! Literally. If necessary get that checked out. Nobody wants to be smelling you if this is going to become a regular thing. Again temporary relief can come in the form of a wad of TP, but please don’t let that be your permanent solution.
Drop Down Pant Leg
Yet another condition that only a man can experience. And ladies you thought you had it bad because you’re the ones that have to bare children! Another simple one, yet again it’s one of the most disgusting things to experience. This is the result of not getting it all out during the shake phase when urinating. If you are a briefs kind of guy you have nothing to worry about, but if you have a little bit left in the pipes and are wearing boxers, gravity will pull it all out when you put your equipment away, and then you’ve got drops all down the inside of your pant leg. Ladies if you want a good laugh just wait for the guy that walks out of the mens room with a bit of a limp for no reason. That’s a dead giveaway.
How To Prevent: One option as stated about is to wear briefs, the second option is just to make sure you’ve squeezed every last drop out.
We’ve all stayed out in the sun too long once or twice in our lives. But have you ever experienced a true burn and not just a reddening of the skin? I’m talking blisters the size of your hand. The kind of stuff you should probably go see a doctor for. I’ve gone through this a couple times. One would think you would learn after the first experience. Let’s just say I’m not Harvard material (perhaps University of Michigan though because they are book smart, not street smart). The worst part is the healing process. The itching is so intense that I would take freezing cold showers, which gave very little relief. I then rolled around like a crazy person on the carpet just trying to stop the itch. It was unbearable! Luckily I’ve got a cure for that itch which my doctor was kind enough to share with me over the phone. Take an antihistamine. Doesn’t matter which one, just take one and as soon as the drug starts working in your system the itch will be gone.
How To Prevent: Again, common sense, but stay out of the damn sun! Or if you’re going to go out into the sun, put on some heavy duty sunscreen. And don’t assume that certain parts of your body don’t burn. If you do, that will be the time your feet burn so bad you can’t put your shoes on for a week. Not that I’ve ever had that happen. 😉
Note: For the record I would rather die than give birth. Please don’t haze me for making light of what women go through when pregnant. This is all just for fun.
Photo Credit: Rachel Strum